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Weddings are complicated
Jun. 18th, 2011 12:06 amWeddings can be great big, hugely complicated and hard things. I do not want to imply that they are not worth it (Joel and I would never consider eloping), but planning our wedding is rather different than I was expecting. Somehow, I naively thought that since all of our friends and family approve of the match, and don't think we're rushing (if anything, the contrary, and think we waited a bit long to finally get engaged), and we aren't doing anything too radical (such as having a Halloween themed wedding or getting married at a roller skating rink), the hard part would be the actual planning. Planning a wedding is hard and often stressful, because at some level we are planning an event for around 180 people, and we've never done it before. For instance, yesterday was the craziness with a possible reception venue. Joel contacted the people, who were only available at inconvenient times, such as Friday afternoon or Tuesday evening (not the best times for two people who work, one of whom lives two and a half hours away). But we decided to talk to them Friday afternoon, although it involved me asking for time off and possibly making a (very short) day trip of it. After I'd already asked for time off, the venue informed us that they'd already scheduled an appointment with someone else (this after we'd promptly returned their message), offering no alternate ways of contacting the coordinator, such as giving us an email address or phone number. So, there's that kind of stressful, which I don't want to minimize. But I was expecting that. (On the other hand, I should mention that the people Joel has been talking to about renting a tent have been wonderful at returning his emails, and I have a very high opinion of our (potential) photographer.) I wasn't expecting the complicated nature of weddings. I naively thought that since we are making such a good choice about marrying, that we are being fairly traditional, that everything would go smoothly (it may for some people).
Weddings are complicated, though, because they are not just are not just family reunions, or large parties. If we were planning a large party, I think people would be more indulgent of our crazy ideas (I think my friends were only mildly amused at my desire for a steampunk party, which is rather out of the ordinary, at least in my circle of friends). This is true for many reasons, and I will start with the best. Weddings are important, because they are the beginning of a marriage, and by inviting someone to our wedding we are asking them to be a part of our life together, and to support us as our community (there is even a line about it in the Anglican service, in which the congregation pledges their support for the couple). Weddings are more than a party, and are therefore more complicated than a party. In that sense, I understand why my parents would like to send out wedding invitations to so many people (many more than can reasonably fit into the church, at least after taking into consideration that Joel is inviting his family, and we are inviting some of our friends). They want people to be a part of this, even if they can't actually come to the wedding. This is a really good thing, and it was hard to tell my parents that they couldn't invite everyone that they wanted to (we are inviting a little over 200 people, and still making a decent amount of cuts to the guest list to keep it reasonable). Instead, they will send out wedding announcements and have a second reception here. It was hard and complicated because they wanted to invite family friends and relatives (albeit rather extended). At least in this case we have a strict limit as to how many people can actually fit in our church, although my parents' argument was that quite a lot of the people they were wanting to invite would (in all probability) not come. Still, I think this is the best kind of complication about a wedding, because it was about something actually good, rather than a social convention or recent tradition.
Weddings are also complicated because of the conflicting desires of those involved. Joel and I want the same things, and when we don't, we have to hash it out, and compromise, because it is our wedding. So far, that hasn't been a problem. What has been complicated, though, are the desires of everyone else. My mom originally envisioned that the two of us would plan the wedding (with Joel perhaps having power of veto), and that it would be here (rather than in LA). I had to explain that Joel and I would really appreciate her help, but that the two of us were planning our wedding. I tried to put it as politely as possible, but I think she was still disappointed. Similarly, with having our wedding in LA, it makes so much sense. We will be living there, it is the church we will be going to, and so we'd rather have the wedding at our church. It isn't terribly far for those who live here (two and a half hours, more or less), and quite a lot of our friends would be driving one way or another. Apparently it is a tradition that the wedding happens in the bride's hometown (I'd never heard of this before my mom stated it). We've been trying, though, to make compromises when we can, without giving up anything important. So, for instance, although I really don't want a Father/Daughter dance, there will probably be one, of sorts (it will not, however, be Butterfly Kisses or something like that - I'm trying to convince my dad that we should do a regency dance, and dance it with Joel and his mom). I know my dad really wants it, so it will probably happen, however much I'd prefer not to have it. Also, I'm not sure I'm entirely comfortable with the idea of my dad walking me down the aisle. I really prefer the Jewish tradition where the groom's parents walk him down the aisle, and both the bride's parents walk her down the aisle. Joel thinks this might be a bit much for our friends and family, and has pointed out (rightly) that we don't want to overemphasize that aspect of the wedding. I may ask both my parents to walk me down the aisle, which is a compromise from what I really want, but I think a reasonable compromise. (We are also planning on having the alternate wording at the service which is something like 'who presents this woman and who presents this man to be married?' rather than 'who gives this woman?' and have all of our parents answer.) There's a lot of compromises, because while Joel and I won't compromise anything essential, we also know that our wedding isn't just about us. It is also about our friends and our families; our communities being joined together in us. We are trying to be aware of that, and compromise when we can (like with the Father/Daughter dance), but not when it is something we think is more important (like the location of the wedding).
Also, weddings are complicated because of the expectations that so many people have about them (I've talked about this a bit before). For our friends and family, there is an image (often not articulated), of the traditional wedding. A traditional wedding involves the bride in white, with the bridesmaids in matching dresses (at least as to color), and groomsmen in suits. It involves a sit down dinner, preferably with china and silverware and real linens, dancing, wedding favors, and a bouquet and garter toss, not to mention a cake and formal cake cutting. It involves shopping for a wedding dress, and the bride planning everything (the groom being relegated to planning the honeymoon). I would consider all of these to be inessential traditions. They may be kept or broken as the couple desires. Those that we are keeping, no one has yet questioned. No one wonders that I am wearing a white dress, or that we are having a light dinner and dancing at our reception (for the most part, at least). Some of the more modern traditions are also easily and quietly (for the most part) done away with, such as wedding favors. Friends are curious, but understand when I explain that we don't really care about wedding favors (I also can now back up my argument with Miss Manners, who disapproves of wedding favors, which is comforting). Friends are at the most slightly disapproving when we talk about how we don't want to toss the bouquet or garter, or have any sort of cake cutting. They still question these decision, if only a little, because they are contrary to their expectations. I don't think people would ask us why we were choosing to toss a bouquet, or why we decided to have a fancy cake to cut it. This is understandable, but also makes our wedding more complicated because Joel and I are questioning most inessential wedding traditions (and questioning what is really an essential tradition). A few things, though, like choosing not to have bridesmaid dresses, have turned out to be much larger than I thought. When an acquaintance asks what our bridesmaid dresses are, I have (so far) politely avoided the question. However, many of my friends and some of my family have disapproved, and strongly questioned why we are doing this, trying to talk us out of it. It is big and complicated because we are not meeting the image of a traditional wedding. I think everyone is coming around. Two of my friends are going dress shopping this week, in order to choose dresses of their own liking, and are quite excited about it. My mom talked to me the other day about having her best friend sit with my parents in the pew traditionally reserved for family (I told her that of course her friend could sit with her, if that's what my mom wants). But it's taken a while for friends and family to get to that point. It's involved a decent amount of explanation and listening to people try to talk us out of things.
Weddings are really complicated things, in ways that I was not expecting when Joel and I got engaged. We're figuring out what is important to us, and when to stand up for it, when to compromise, and when to just go along. We're figuring out how to make big decisions together, and also by ourselves; we are listening to our friends and family, and still making our own decisions. I've found that wedding planning is not really about things like bridesmaid dresses (even when it seems to be), but about expectations and desires and community, which is what makes it big and complicated and often hard.
Weddings are complicated, though, because they are not just are not just family reunions, or large parties. If we were planning a large party, I think people would be more indulgent of our crazy ideas (I think my friends were only mildly amused at my desire for a steampunk party, which is rather out of the ordinary, at least in my circle of friends). This is true for many reasons, and I will start with the best. Weddings are important, because they are the beginning of a marriage, and by inviting someone to our wedding we are asking them to be a part of our life together, and to support us as our community (there is even a line about it in the Anglican service, in which the congregation pledges their support for the couple). Weddings are more than a party, and are therefore more complicated than a party. In that sense, I understand why my parents would like to send out wedding invitations to so many people (many more than can reasonably fit into the church, at least after taking into consideration that Joel is inviting his family, and we are inviting some of our friends). They want people to be a part of this, even if they can't actually come to the wedding. This is a really good thing, and it was hard to tell my parents that they couldn't invite everyone that they wanted to (we are inviting a little over 200 people, and still making a decent amount of cuts to the guest list to keep it reasonable). Instead, they will send out wedding announcements and have a second reception here. It was hard and complicated because they wanted to invite family friends and relatives (albeit rather extended). At least in this case we have a strict limit as to how many people can actually fit in our church, although my parents' argument was that quite a lot of the people they were wanting to invite would (in all probability) not come. Still, I think this is the best kind of complication about a wedding, because it was about something actually good, rather than a social convention or recent tradition.
Weddings are also complicated because of the conflicting desires of those involved. Joel and I want the same things, and when we don't, we have to hash it out, and compromise, because it is our wedding. So far, that hasn't been a problem. What has been complicated, though, are the desires of everyone else. My mom originally envisioned that the two of us would plan the wedding (with Joel perhaps having power of veto), and that it would be here (rather than in LA). I had to explain that Joel and I would really appreciate her help, but that the two of us were planning our wedding. I tried to put it as politely as possible, but I think she was still disappointed. Similarly, with having our wedding in LA, it makes so much sense. We will be living there, it is the church we will be going to, and so we'd rather have the wedding at our church. It isn't terribly far for those who live here (two and a half hours, more or less), and quite a lot of our friends would be driving one way or another. Apparently it is a tradition that the wedding happens in the bride's hometown (I'd never heard of this before my mom stated it). We've been trying, though, to make compromises when we can, without giving up anything important. So, for instance, although I really don't want a Father/Daughter dance, there will probably be one, of sorts (it will not, however, be Butterfly Kisses or something like that - I'm trying to convince my dad that we should do a regency dance, and dance it with Joel and his mom). I know my dad really wants it, so it will probably happen, however much I'd prefer not to have it. Also, I'm not sure I'm entirely comfortable with the idea of my dad walking me down the aisle. I really prefer the Jewish tradition where the groom's parents walk him down the aisle, and both the bride's parents walk her down the aisle. Joel thinks this might be a bit much for our friends and family, and has pointed out (rightly) that we don't want to overemphasize that aspect of the wedding. I may ask both my parents to walk me down the aisle, which is a compromise from what I really want, but I think a reasonable compromise. (We are also planning on having the alternate wording at the service which is something like 'who presents this woman and who presents this man to be married?' rather than 'who gives this woman?' and have all of our parents answer.) There's a lot of compromises, because while Joel and I won't compromise anything essential, we also know that our wedding isn't just about us. It is also about our friends and our families; our communities being joined together in us. We are trying to be aware of that, and compromise when we can (like with the Father/Daughter dance), but not when it is something we think is more important (like the location of the wedding).
Also, weddings are complicated because of the expectations that so many people have about them (I've talked about this a bit before). For our friends and family, there is an image (often not articulated), of the traditional wedding. A traditional wedding involves the bride in white, with the bridesmaids in matching dresses (at least as to color), and groomsmen in suits. It involves a sit down dinner, preferably with china and silverware and real linens, dancing, wedding favors, and a bouquet and garter toss, not to mention a cake and formal cake cutting. It involves shopping for a wedding dress, and the bride planning everything (the groom being relegated to planning the honeymoon). I would consider all of these to be inessential traditions. They may be kept or broken as the couple desires. Those that we are keeping, no one has yet questioned. No one wonders that I am wearing a white dress, or that we are having a light dinner and dancing at our reception (for the most part, at least). Some of the more modern traditions are also easily and quietly (for the most part) done away with, such as wedding favors. Friends are curious, but understand when I explain that we don't really care about wedding favors (I also can now back up my argument with Miss Manners, who disapproves of wedding favors, which is comforting). Friends are at the most slightly disapproving when we talk about how we don't want to toss the bouquet or garter, or have any sort of cake cutting. They still question these decision, if only a little, because they are contrary to their expectations. I don't think people would ask us why we were choosing to toss a bouquet, or why we decided to have a fancy cake to cut it. This is understandable, but also makes our wedding more complicated because Joel and I are questioning most inessential wedding traditions (and questioning what is really an essential tradition). A few things, though, like choosing not to have bridesmaid dresses, have turned out to be much larger than I thought. When an acquaintance asks what our bridesmaid dresses are, I have (so far) politely avoided the question. However, many of my friends and some of my family have disapproved, and strongly questioned why we are doing this, trying to talk us out of it. It is big and complicated because we are not meeting the image of a traditional wedding. I think everyone is coming around. Two of my friends are going dress shopping this week, in order to choose dresses of their own liking, and are quite excited about it. My mom talked to me the other day about having her best friend sit with my parents in the pew traditionally reserved for family (I told her that of course her friend could sit with her, if that's what my mom wants). But it's taken a while for friends and family to get to that point. It's involved a decent amount of explanation and listening to people try to talk us out of things.
Weddings are really complicated things, in ways that I was not expecting when Joel and I got engaged. We're figuring out what is important to us, and when to stand up for it, when to compromise, and when to just go along. We're figuring out how to make big decisions together, and also by ourselves; we are listening to our friends and family, and still making our own decisions. I've found that wedding planning is not really about things like bridesmaid dresses (even when it seems to be), but about expectations and desires and community, which is what makes it big and complicated and often hard.