On Bridesmaid Dresses (or Lack Thereof)

I want to first say that ya'll are wonderful. You are congratulatory and supportive and sane, and if I could I would send you wonderful care packages full of awesomeness, because it is so very helpful to be able to vent or rant or just generally ramble about wedding planning (or really, anything) and know that you are listening.

So, this is my (rather long, I expect) explanation for bridesmaid dresses and our wedding. The short version is that we aren't having bridesmaid dresses. (And I should point out that I don't judge brides who choose, for any of many reasons, to have bridesmaid dresses. Well, truthfully, I judge them a little if they choose something that is horribly ugly or horendously pricey, but I do think there are many decent reasons for having bridesmaid dresses; we just aren't having them.) I'll explain a bit why we aren't having them, and the reaction to this, because I find it a little weird. I've done rather a lot of thinking about bridesmaid dresses (all of it before being officially engaged). I'm uncomfortable asking my bridesmaids to buy a dress that they will only wear once (which is, honestly, usually how it goes, despite the best intentions of the bride), and giving them very little input as to what sort of dress they are spending their money on. I was a bridesmaid, and although the dress I had to buy was relatively inexpensive, it was still the most I'd ever spent for a dress in my entire life (including costumes), and I had no choice about the color, and could only choose from some limited styles, and was not happy with the quality of the dress (I am very picky when it comes to spending lot's of money on a dress, because I sew and I know good workmanship from sloppy workmanship, and this dress isn't very good). It sits forlornly in my closet because I can't come up with a good use for it. I don't want that to happen to my bridemaids. I know that they would spend the money on a dress because they love me, but I would feel guilty. I considered asking for dresses within a certain color range, but our colors (because we sort of have colors) are black and white and deep red, and it is hard asking someone to find a red dress that will match, white is weird, and I was never thrilled about the idea of matching black cocktail dresses (one of my friends went this route, and I saw it and was kind of "meh" about the idea).

Something my mom said (while trying to talk me into making bridesmaid dresses instead of the black cocktail idea) made me question why I wanted bridesmaid dresses at all. I realized that the only reason I really cared was for the formal pictures, and that didn't seem like a good reason. So, after talking about it with Joel (at great length), I decided that I didn't want bridesmaid dresses. I would rather have my friends looking like themselves than looking like I picked out a dress for them to wear, and with any sort of bridesmaid dress option, even if it was just the color, I would feel like I was forcing them to look a certain way. I don't want them to look like accessories to our wedding, but like friends who have an important place in our wedding, and the way that we're choosing to do that is to eliminate the bridesmaid dresses. All of my friends have taste, and I can trust them to show up in something nice. I did give a few requests as to formality, mostly because some of my friends were asking, and I know that people like to know how formal to dress. I told them what the groomsmen were wearing (slacks, collared shirt, no jacket, tie optional, vest optional, not matchy, because of much of the above about bridesmaid dresses), that I preferred (emphasis on the preferred) that the dress (or skirt) go with the red and white flowers that they will be carrying, and told them to wear something that will make them look fabulous. That's it. I don't think any of them will show up in a hot pink with orange polka dot thing, but if they do, I think I will be ok with it.

This has the added benefit of being an old tradition. From my "research" I know that bridesmaid dresses are a fairly new invention. My grandmother didn't have any at her first wedding (in fact, she only had a maid of honor). Like many traditions, old and new, Joel and I are quite comfortable questioning them, and then cutting them if we don't like the symbolism, or just don't care (we are also cutting the bouquet toss, garter toss, wedding favors, and doing some other sort of desert instead of cake). In this instance we are actually going back to the old, regency era tradition of having one's wedding party wear their best Sunday clothes to church for a wedding. I like that sort of casualness. We want our wedding to be about us, but we also want it to be about our friends and family as they are (in all their awesomeness).

Sounds simple, right? Actually, I've had so many people try to talk me into having bridesmaid dresses. My mom keeps trying really hard to get me to give some more qualifications for the dresses (she thinks that certain of my bridesmaids would look better in a certain type of dress or fabric, and she may be right, but I'm still not going to do it). I've stopped mentioning the bridesmaid dresses in casual conversations because most people think I'm crazy. Two (or possibly three) of my five bridesmaids think I'm crazy for not having bridesmaid dresses, but are too polite to tell me. The question that comes up is generally 'but what about the pictures?' I keep thinking of the formal pictures I have of two of my friends and me at Spring Banquet at our college, in which we did not try to match, are wearing very different styles of dresses, and still look fabulous together. I think it will work. I think if any of my bridesmaids end up with wildly clashing dresses, then we will just arrange it so that they aren't standing directly next to each other during the ceremony. It may come across that I don't care about bridesmaid dresses, but I really do, only I care in a completely different way. In other words, I care a whole awful lot about bridesmaid dresses, and have put lot's and lot's of thought into them, but have come to the (counter mainstream) decision with Joel not to have them.

Amusingly, two of my bridesmaids (who are also, clearly, two of my very dear friends) have decided to coordinate, at least among themselves, and among as many of the other bridesmaids who want to. They are going dress shopping together (and are glad because, while I told them they don't have to buy something new, this way they can find something they like, at a price that they think is reasonable, and they both like dress shopping), and want me to go with them to Home Depot to pick out a paint chip of the color red that we're having, so that they can coordinate with it. (Honestly, though, we don't have a color red, we just know that I want a really deep, dark red, and will leave the specifics to the florist, and will go with whatever dark red I find for random decorating things, like red chocolates, without feeling the need for it to match too exactly. Same goes for the invitations, where if I put a bit of red ink on it, will be a prety dark red but may not exactly match the red of the flowers.) Another of my bridesmaids emailed me to ask if I had any preferences about the dresses, as far as color or prints versus solid (I don't). (I should mention that Joel's sister is happy not to have to buy a bridesmaid dress, and at least one of my other bridesmaids really understands why I don't want them, so it isn't as though I've been getting a completely negative reaction.)

So, while not having bridesmaid dresses is probably a whole lot easier than having them, it has also turned out to be a surprising amount of work. I was not expecting peoples reactions. I thought that we could cut the bridesmaid dresses, my bridesmaids would be happy, it isn't too weird, and we are being traditional. We are keeping traditions that are important to us (like having the traditional wedding ceremony, getting married in a church, having some sort of reception, having bouquets, and so on). But when most people are thinking about traditional they are really thinking about the sort of wedding that everyone has (A Practical Wedding pointed this out, and I think it is really true). Most people are used to a wedding containing all sorts of nonessentials, like bridesmaid dresses, especially if we are talking about a traditional wedding. When we cut really modern little things (like wedding favors), we only get a few weird looks, but mostly people understand, but cutting something larger, like bridesmaid dresses, and suddenly people think we are crazy. We don't meet their expectations, and somehow this has become a normal part of a wedding. Somehow it is normal for me to care about picking out bridesmaid dresses, and what my friends will wear, but weirdly crazy if I care in a completely different way.

I don't get it. I wasn't expecting to feel defensive about this (and other small decisions we are making that are out of the normal), but I am, because I keep having to explain to people (especially close friends and family) why we are doing it, and be polite as they try to (politely and usually in a roundabout way) talk me out of it.